My body hates me!

More often than not, I can't get a good nights sleep.  No matter how tired I am when I go to bed, I still seem to lie awake for at least an hour, usually longer.  I seem to toss and turn all night long.  Then, of course, there is me not being able to fall back asleep most of the time if I wake up in the middle of the night for anything.  God forbid I need to make a washroom run or if there is a loud crack of thunder that awakes me.  It's like my body just hates me enough to make me go through the whole process of hoping to fall back asleep and instead lay there for at least a good hour.

I was diagnosised with sleep apnea quite a few years back.  I had this surgery done on my nasal passage that was supposed to alleviate whatever causes me to snore and have the sleep apnea.  Well, here I am still snoring.  Do I still have the sleep apnea?  I don't know.  I never went back to get the final sleep study to confirm whether or not the surgery actually took care of the problem.  Those sleep studies are not just awkward, but they are uncomfortable.  Not to mention, the place I had it done at had this creepy old guy that watched the monitors that watched us sleep.  No thanks!  I'll pass on enduring that again.  So, it's possible that my sleep apnea was never fully taken care of and that might be adding to the lack of sleep I get at night.  Who knows!

I also sometimes wonder if my bed is to blame.  Watching all those commercials for the Sleep Number bed and the Tempurpedic bed make me wonder if I'm getting a crappy sleep because of my crappy bed.  That bed has to be like 15 years old, if not older.  The frame is bent and the mattress is lumpy.  I'm not being judgemental, I'm being honest.  My bed sucks!  Can I blame my bed for a lack of sleep?  I'm sure it's at least particially to blame.

My lack of a good night's sleep I think is mostly blamed on stress though.  I'm always worrying about something.  Whether it's dreading the next day of work, worrying about my parents, worrying about random plans made going smoothly, worrying about money, and just worrying about life's plans in general.  It's like I can't be worry or stress free.  I know stress can take a toll on the body to the point where as important as sleep is to make you less stressed, stress will cause you to get less sleep.  It's kind of ironic if you think about it.

Regardless of what's to blame for the lack of sleep that I've seemed to be suffering from for many months now, it's frustrating and my body is definitely taking a toll from it.  Mostly my mood.  This is why I'm convinced my body hates me.  It won't meet in the middle with me and attempt to fix any possible problems that may be causing my sleepless nights.  Granted, my body and I can't meet in the middle in regards to getting a new bed, but the rest of the possible reasons for not sleeping I think my body can work with me on.  I think I'll need to have a long talk with my body because relationships should be 50/50.

Vacation is growing near

I'm getting more and more excited for vacation the closer it gets.  I'm down to just 2 weeks away and I'm already getting in that "I don't care" mode at work.  It's like I do what I need to, but I spend more time slacking off than I do actually working.  Then again, that could be also because this week so far has been pretty slow.  Regardless though, my mind is transitioning over to vacation mode as each day grows closer.

My boyfriend, best friend, and her hubby will be sunny California in 13 days.  I'm looking forward to a couple planned events, catching up with a friend or two out there, and mostly just being sporatic and enjoying the relaxation and random ideas of things to do out there as each day comes.  I love going on vacations and just winging it.  It makes it more exciting.  It allows you to be creative and check out places you normally wouldn't go to.  I'm so psyched that I can't even describe it.

So, how nerdy am I?  I have already wrote out my list of stuff to pack so that the weekend before I leave, I can just pack everything based on my list and not stress over possibly forgetting anything.  Not to mention, I thought writing it in advance would give me time to add to it as I think of other necessary items I'll need to drag along.  I'm someone that usually overpacks anyways for vacation, but only because I'd rather have a little more than I need than risk not having enough.  Not to mention, as long as I don't go over the weight requirement for my luggage at the airport, who cares.  Right?

This vacation is much needed though.  Saying I'm burned out at work is an understatement, so having a week to just take it easy and have fun is going to be a great stress reliever.  My last actual vacation from work was July of last year, and that was a staycation, so this year's time off is going to blow last year's out of the water.  Also, I hope to actually come back with some color.  I'm tired of being pasty.  I want to have that pretty vacation glowing skin a.k.a. a tan.  LOL!

I already have a hair appointment scheduled to get a cute summer cut,  I have my plans to get a much needed manicure and pedicure before I leave, and I already bought a bunch of new summer clothes.  Not because I need new clothes for vacation, but because my summer clothes from last year are all too big on me.  Yay for losing 47 pounds so far!  My goal is to hit 50 pounds lost before I leave in 13 days.  Can I successfully lose 3 more pounds?  I'm keeping my fingers crossed and doing my best.

Speaking of mentally being in vacation mode though, I should probably stop slacking and get back to work, huh?

No way did I just do that!

Yes I did!  I just finished week 6 of C25K, which consisted of running 25 straight minutes.  I'm exhausted, but I feel amazing.  I never thought I, of all people, would be able to run for a straight 25 minutes and feel like I could still keep going.

I've always hated running in the past, but that was probably because I got tired so fast.  It was a form of exercise that seemed to almost be useless for me because of me doing it for only 2 minutes and feeling like I was dying.  This C25K program has definitely gotten me to be able to not only run for long periods of time, but to enjoy it!  Who would have thought that I would actually enjoy running?  Not me!  I do though and I'm loving that I'm enjoying it.

My main forms of working out lately has been running and yoga.  Running for my cardio and yoga for my strength training.  This combo seems to be working great for me because I'm feeling good, enjoying my workouts, and after almost 2 months of being at a plateau, I lost 2 pounds this week.  Yay!  Although, the weight loss wasn't just the working out combo, it was also the fact that this was my first week doing a low-carb diet.  I didn't realize how much carbs were holding me back until I got on the scale this weekend and that plateau was finally defeated.  Thank you Dr. Oz for that show that opened my eyes  (I posted about this a few posts back).  Those damn carbs are my enemy and when I reduce them and get into a good workout combo that I enjoy, I can continue on with my weight loss.  Now I plan on keeping up with what I did this past week and see if I can get anymore weight dropped before my vacation next month.  If I could drop another size, or even reach 50 pounds lost by the time my vacation hits next month, I will be a happy camper.  I'm determined to do my best and see how successful I can be.

Wish me luck!

Feeling down is an understatement.

Lately I've been feeling really down.  Not just sad, but completely not myself.  I've overall been sad, angry, not interested in doing a lot of things, and just wanting to keep to myself.  I'm seriously thinking I'm clinically depressed, which wouldn't surprise me in the least.  Not that I want to be, but my life, all in all, hasn't been all that great lately and I think the stresses of it are starting to hang a little too heavy on my shoulders.

Now before anyone gets all concerned, this post isn't to get everyone worried about me and/or trying to counsel me.  It's entirely me just noticing things that I wanted to share with someone and since it's easier for me type out my thoughts than hope someone can remain serious enough for me to talk them out, I thought this would be the perfect place.  So, don't worry about me, just get to know the present me, even if I'm not a big fan of that me right now.

In my previous post I mentioned how I'm burned out at work, but the reality is that I think I'm not just burned at out work, but my overall life.  We're going through hard times at home and the amount of worry that I do on a daily basis has got to be putting a toll on my mind and body.  The stresses of my weightloss haven't been easy on my self esteem either.  Then there are my friends and boyfriend.  I love them all dearly, but lately it's like our interests are nowhere near on the same page.  It's not their fault though, it's mine.  My normal interests are almost non-existant.  It's like I want to be a loner a lot more than I ever have.  Then when I do want the company, it's like the people around me don't have the time or availability for me.  This doesn't help my down mood much either.  Then, last but not least, there are money stresses going on.  Between trying to save some money for my upcoming vacation, trying to pay my bills, having to fork over money left and right for my friend Carmen's wedding that I'm standing up in, and my car having one problem after another, I feel like I will never be able to save up cash to move out like I've been trying to do for the longest.  It's like I've been one huge worrier and ball of stress lately and it's definitely putting a toll on my mind and body to the extreme.

As of recently, I've been considering making an appointment with my doctor about my possible depression, but then at the same time, I really don't want to resort to having to take a medication in order to possibly regain happiness.  I feel like getting back to the point of happiness may take some work, but I will get back there and it's completely doable without prescribed medications.  Not to mention, the idea of having to have a medication that I have to pay for monthly isn't really something I'm interested in having to do.  I'd rather just do my best to see the positives more than the negatives and hope that I can mentally regain my normal train of thoughts and not the ones I've been having lately.  I want to be back to my normal self, which even if it takes a lot of time, I'm sure I can get back there.

The only thing I have to hope for, and probably my biggest fear, is that I don't push the people that mean the most away.  I'm not exactly the most pleasant person to be around lately and I know that.  I also haven't opened up to any of them because I feel like they'll think I'm over-reacting or being a hypochondriac.  Currently they may just think I've been moody and view me negatively instead of it being my emotions taking me over.  I can only hope that they'll be understanding or offer me the chance to open up to them before relationships get hurt.  This is just another thing that is hanging on my shoulders and adding something else that I worry about onto my already long list.

Maybe I can find some good self help books to read.  They may not fully fix my thoughts and emotions, but anything is better than nothing right now.  Not to mention they are a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor co-pay and medications.

Burning out to the extreme

I can always tell when I'm getting burned out.  I go from being my normal goofy self to this angry, cranky person that stops giving a crap about my work.  It's like I fake happiness when my body has hit a wall.  Mentally and physically I'm drained from work and I find every question, request, added project, etc. an inconvenience that makes me want to walk out the office and never return.  I have been relieving my stress after work by working out, which has helped to a point, but the next morning I go into the office and my stress level goes right back to max.

I'm trying to keep in mind that my week and a half vacation is growing closer though.  I'm 35 days away from being out of this state and away from the stresses of my normal everyday life.  I do have other events to look forward to this summer prior to vacation though, which also helps bring down my stress level a bit.  This weekend I have the Zombie March in downtown Chicago and the following weekend I'm attending the NKOTBSB concert with my cousin.  So, these next 2 weekends will be fun.  I also plan on doing some much needed pampering to myself the weekend before I leave for vacation.  I will be getting my hair done, a no-chip manicure, and a pedicure.

So, I definitely have fun stuff planned to be a stress reliever for my burned out self.  It's just a matter of keeping my sanity Monday-Friday during the working hours.  Maybe I'll have to treat myself to an iced coffee every morning since those always seem to put a smile on my face and keep me going through the day.  Mmm...iced coffee!  Yeah, that may be something worth trying.  Iced coffee, will you please help get me through the work day and keep me from being tempted to walk out?  Thanks in advance iced coffee.  You're a true friend.