I was reading up on the blogs that I follow and one in particular caught my eye. Granted the blog post that I read was directed specifically at bad friendships, but there were points made in it that got me thinking overall.
I work far too hard to please the people around me. I work my schedule around other people to meet their needs. I go to events that I don't want to go to because I don't want people to think that I'm avoiding them or that I always turn them down. I work things out to ensure that things I have to do don't get in the way of what the people around me have to do. It's like I work my whole life around everyone else instead of doing things as I want to do them, when I want to do them, and how I want to do them. I'm not saying I need to be selfish and say screw what everyone else wants, but I need to get people to meet in the middle with me and not completely re-arrange my life for everyone else to ensure that what they want works out 100% as they planned. I'm sorry, but I can't continue to work exclusively to please others.
I need to overall think more about myself. If I know I'm putting myself in a situation that's going to upset me or bring me down, I need to just avoid the situation entirely or confront the person about it, even if I know it's going to hurt someone's feelings. A perfect example is the whole previous post about me wondering if I should go this bachelorette party this weekend. I know I'm going to be doing stuff I don't enjoy and hurting my bank account in order to please a friend of mine. A real friend won't be pissed at me or judge me for thinking of myself first for one of the few times that I actually do so. She might be mad if it was just that I didn't want to go, but I don't see a true friend being mad at me for not attending an expensive event when I'm lower on cash than I'm comfortable being.
I shouldn't continue to push myself to do things to please others even if it will make me miserable, yet I continue to do so. Maybe I'm a glutten for punishment, I don't know. Or maybe I just don't like people being mad at or disappointed in me. It's something I'm going to need to work on. It's time for me to not worry about pleasing everyone and try to please myself more, even if that means having someone upset with me every now and then. I need to get over fearing what people will say or think, especially those that are supposed to be close to me and care about me.
In the past, I've also put up with people giving me attitudes over shit they were the ones that needed to get over, not me. Yet, I dealt with the attitude that was thrown my way and tried to remain neutral because I didn't want to upset them more. Screw that! If someone is going to have an attitude with me (my fault or otherwise), I'm going to bring it up then and there. I need to! I'm not saying that I should start a scene when out in public, but when some one-on-one time becomes available, bring it up immediately. Having someone talk down to me, treat me like shit, or silently be mad at me isn't something that I should ever stand for. It's high school bullshit that should have been left behind in high school. I'm 29 years old, that's far from a high school aged teenager. It's bad enough I deal with it at work because I need to keep my shitty job for the time being, but I definitely don't need that from people that are supposed to mean something to me. I need to start putting my foot down and making it seem like I actually give a crap about myself. They say you need to love yourself before you can love others, so I need to actually love myself and stop being a floor mat. I know I have my issues of being depressed to an extent, but that's no reason for me to feel like I'm not worth anything and can be treated however the hell the people around me want to treat me.
There are areas of my life that I need to work on, this is something I've known for years and have even improved over the years; however, I've neglected to work on the part of my life that needs fixing which involves those around me. The parts of my life that involves removing the bad apples and/or working on the relationships worth saving. It seems like people who take the step to improve their lives in areas that are obviously noticable corrections, they are overall happier over time. Maybe in the beginning it's hard because naturally we all like to please those around ourselves, but over time the change in their lives and the happiness that the changes brought are well worth it. I want to be one of those people that can openly admit that I took the step to make changes and can now look back on them and realize that they were some of the best moves I could have made. If I take it one step at a time, I think I can be one of those people. It's just going to take a lot of work, will power, and convincing myself of what's best.
I can do this!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Would I be a bad friend?
Ok, I lied. I just posted that I was off to be a gamer geek, but it seems there is an update at needs to download before I can play, so I'm going to use this time to get some advice from you lovely people.
This weekend I have the bachelorette party that I'm supposed to go to for my friend that's getting married next weekend (the friend whose wedding I'm standing up in). Well, her bachlorette party consists of renting a suburban (limo prices were ridiculous), going to a drag queen show which includes dinner, and then finally followed by a night club (if you guys don't know how I feel about night clubs, read a few posts back and I get into great detail about my opinions of them). We're not even going to start to go out until about 8:00pm. This is late for me since I'm usually sleeping by 11:00pm. Not to mention the night club reviews are just terrible reviews almost all the way around. I'm surprised their still open considering it seems like it's more disliked that not.
Anyways, the reviews of the night club isn't the direction I was meaning to go with this. I'm trying to figure out if I should even go to this bachelorette party. Let me give you all my reasons for wondering about this. For starters...
~ It starts late for me since I get really tired by like 10:30 or 11:00pm. I can force myself to stay awake, but then I'm out of it and my eyes feel itchy and I'm just uncomfortable and even cranky sometimes. By the time my normal bed time rolls around, I doubt we'll even be completely done with the drag queen show and dinner let alone the full night meaning I have a lot of forcing myself to stay awake ahead of me. The other down side to me forcing myself to stay awake longer than my body would like me to is that I get bad headaches from this. So, I may end up being miserable with discomfort forcing myself to do this.
|~ Then it's the whole situation that I HATE night clubs. I would rather spend a night in jail than to go to a night club. No joke! So, the idea of forcing myself to stay awake for something I hate seems ridiculous.
~ Then there's the whole clothing situation. I can't afford to buy a new outfit specifically for this night. I have nothing that would be acceptable for a club of any kind. I don't own any pants other than jeans (which aren't even allowed at most night clubs) and business pants. All my shirts are either business, t-shirts, tank tops, or just plain style casual clothes (most of which are not allowed to wear at clubs). I'm not a big fashion buff, so my clothing is very plain jane.
~ Then, last but not least, I'm super tight on money and the idea of having to chip in for the car we're all renting, then to pay for the drag queen show, dinner, drinks, and whatever will need to be spent at the night club just seems like something completely out of my money availability zone. I don't want to be the downer because I'm too broke to enjoy myself and I definitely don't want to have an I.O.U. to anyone. Sorry, but I hate owing people money.
So, it's like I really shouldn't go to this bachelorette party, but I feel like I'd be a bad friend to not go since I know I'm not only one of her oldest friends, but I'm one of her bridesmaids. I feel like if I wasn't standing up in the wedding it would be acceptable for me to skip this, but with me standing up in the wedding, I feel like I have to go. It's just I can't afford it and realistically I don't think I would be good company between me getting tired and just overall having a hard time hiding when I'm not interested in something.
Please help me with some advice! I need some input on what to do. I'm completely unsure at the moment and could use any words of advice that can be offered.
This weekend I have the bachelorette party that I'm supposed to go to for my friend that's getting married next weekend (the friend whose wedding I'm standing up in). Well, her bachlorette party consists of renting a suburban (limo prices were ridiculous), going to a drag queen show which includes dinner, and then finally followed by a night club (if you guys don't know how I feel about night clubs, read a few posts back and I get into great detail about my opinions of them). We're not even going to start to go out until about 8:00pm. This is late for me since I'm usually sleeping by 11:00pm. Not to mention the night club reviews are just terrible reviews almost all the way around. I'm surprised their still open considering it seems like it's more disliked that not.
Anyways, the reviews of the night club isn't the direction I was meaning to go with this. I'm trying to figure out if I should even go to this bachelorette party. Let me give you all my reasons for wondering about this. For starters...
~ It starts late for me since I get really tired by like 10:30 or 11:00pm. I can force myself to stay awake, but then I'm out of it and my eyes feel itchy and I'm just uncomfortable and even cranky sometimes. By the time my normal bed time rolls around, I doubt we'll even be completely done with the drag queen show and dinner let alone the full night meaning I have a lot of forcing myself to stay awake ahead of me. The other down side to me forcing myself to stay awake longer than my body would like me to is that I get bad headaches from this. So, I may end up being miserable with discomfort forcing myself to do this.
|~ Then it's the whole situation that I HATE night clubs. I would rather spend a night in jail than to go to a night club. No joke! So, the idea of forcing myself to stay awake for something I hate seems ridiculous.
~ Then there's the whole clothing situation. I can't afford to buy a new outfit specifically for this night. I have nothing that would be acceptable for a club of any kind. I don't own any pants other than jeans (which aren't even allowed at most night clubs) and business pants. All my shirts are either business, t-shirts, tank tops, or just plain style casual clothes (most of which are not allowed to wear at clubs). I'm not a big fashion buff, so my clothing is very plain jane.
~ Then, last but not least, I'm super tight on money and the idea of having to chip in for the car we're all renting, then to pay for the drag queen show, dinner, drinks, and whatever will need to be spent at the night club just seems like something completely out of my money availability zone. I don't want to be the downer because I'm too broke to enjoy myself and I definitely don't want to have an I.O.U. to anyone. Sorry, but I hate owing people money.
So, it's like I really shouldn't go to this bachelorette party, but I feel like I'd be a bad friend to not go since I know I'm not only one of her oldest friends, but I'm one of her bridesmaids. I feel like if I wasn't standing up in the wedding it would be acceptable for me to skip this, but with me standing up in the wedding, I feel like I have to go. It's just I can't afford it and realistically I don't think I would be good company between me getting tired and just overall having a hard time hiding when I'm not interested in something.
Please help me with some advice! I need some input on what to do. I'm completely unsure at the moment and could use any words of advice that can be offered.
I have returned to the dark side!
I told myself I was done. I said I was completely done and I wouldn't spend any sort money anymore to feed my online gaming habit, but instead I hit rock bottom and I returned to the dark side. I am back to playing WoW (World of Warcraft for my non-gamer peeps out there). I didn't stop playing originally due to hating the game or anything like that. I just lost interest and I figured that paying $15/month to play a game off and on that I currently had a lack of interest in seemed like a waste. So, I cancelled my account and have been doing mostly reading with the occasional TV watching in my free time.
This weekend rolled around and it seemed like everything was telling me to come back to the game. Some of my old buddies who had quit playing in the past had returned and they have added new features to the game to allow me to have fun with my friends that play on other servers (this is a plus, trust me). Then when hanging out with some fellow WoW friends this weekend and literally reminiscing about the fun that we all used to have with our friends, guild, and just overall in general, I gave it some thought and decided that I might just give in and start playing again.
This Sunday was what got me to officially give in and rejoin the game. Sunday I literally had nothing to do. When I say nothing, I mean....NOTHING. My cable box is completely broken and I don't have one of those converter boxes, so I have had no form of TV access (normally this wouldn't bother me, but Sunday was BORING as hell). I didn't have any books to read as I'm all caught up with my current books and I'm trying not to spend money on new ones. I couldn't think of anything really interesting to do on the internet, so after much thought, I signed onto battle.net and reactivated my WoW account. I have a feeling this won't be a long time thing. I'm sure I'll stick with it for only a month, maybe two, and then cancel my account again. For the time being though, it's going to keep me amused in between working and working out. Yes, my inner geek is giddy, even though I know it's only temporary, but at least it's something to do to keep me from just sleeping (trust me, this is what I would do if I had nothing else to keep me amused).
So, with that said, off to be a gamer geek.
This weekend rolled around and it seemed like everything was telling me to come back to the game. Some of my old buddies who had quit playing in the past had returned and they have added new features to the game to allow me to have fun with my friends that play on other servers (this is a plus, trust me). Then when hanging out with some fellow WoW friends this weekend and literally reminiscing about the fun that we all used to have with our friends, guild, and just overall in general, I gave it some thought and decided that I might just give in and start playing again.
This Sunday was what got me to officially give in and rejoin the game. Sunday I literally had nothing to do. When I say nothing, I mean....NOTHING. My cable box is completely broken and I don't have one of those converter boxes, so I have had no form of TV access (normally this wouldn't bother me, but Sunday was BORING as hell). I didn't have any books to read as I'm all caught up with my current books and I'm trying not to spend money on new ones. I couldn't think of anything really interesting to do on the internet, so after much thought, I signed onto battle.net and reactivated my WoW account. I have a feeling this won't be a long time thing. I'm sure I'll stick with it for only a month, maybe two, and then cancel my account again. For the time being though, it's going to keep me amused in between working and working out. Yes, my inner geek is giddy, even though I know it's only temporary, but at least it's something to do to keep me from just sleeping (trust me, this is what I would do if I had nothing else to keep me amused).
So, with that said, off to be a gamer geek.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I'm not a TV person, but...
Some shows really know how to suck me in. I have some shows I enjoy watching, but if I miss an episode here or there, it's not the end of the world. I don't yell at the people around me to not tell me what happened or anything like that. Back in the day I had shows that I watched religiously and should I have missed an episode, I would have bit your face off if you told me what happened, but not currently. What I have been doing the past few months (maybe a little longer than that) was downloading shows online and watching the full series, or at least all the seasons up until the present one. My boyfriend downloads these shows, we watch numerous episodes a night when we hangout and we get hooked on them.
The show that started this whole trend was Dexter. I've written about my obsession with this show in a previous blog post, so go back and see how hooked I got. Long story short though, this is offically my favorite show and this is one that missing an episode will make me go into insane mode. The good news is that even though I don't have Showtime, there is this website that someone told me about where you can watch new shows within an hour of them airing. If you want to check it out, it's Channel 131. So, when the new season starts on October 2nd, you better believe I will be watching it that night, even though I don't have Showtime.
Anyways, I'm rambling on, where I was going with this is that after this obsession with Dexter, my boyfriend and I decided to start to search for new shows to get hooked on. Some were okay, some sucked. Then a co-worker of mine mentioned that since I love Michael C. Hall, the actor that portrays the character of Dexter, that I should check him out in an old HBO show he used to be on called Six Feet Under. This show is more of a drama meets a dark comedy. Michael C. Hall's character is NOTHING like his character on Dexter, which is why I had to check it out. When an actor can pull of numerous different roles of such a variety, it makes me look up to them more. It allows me to see how talented some actors are over others. Take my word on it, Michael C. Hall is one of these awesome actors. Exceptionally talented!
Anyways, I'm rambling again. As I was saying though, my boyfriend downloads this show and again I'm hooked. This is an awesome show (keep in mind it's twisted and revolves around death, which is right up my alley). It was only on for 5 seasons and then the show ended, but I find it interesting and screwed up all in one. The problem is that we're still currently watching this show and we're down to the last 3 episodes of the final season and I'm beyond hooked, yet I know that after these next 3 episodes there will be no more. Unlike Dexter, I can't just countdown the days until the new season starts, since it's no longer on. Although this is a bummer, I can get over it....I swear I can. I may not get over the day that Dexter is no longer on, but we'll worry about that when that day comes.
Another show that I'm pretty damn hooked on is House. Not only is this show funny, but it's a very intelligent show that never seems to get redundant. The main character is amazing! Hugh Laurie portrays the character of House better than I think anyone else would have ever been able to. The show also has a great cast of characters that work well together. These characters are so different from one another, but play so well as contrasting characters on the show. It makes it more interesting when they interact in both professional and personal situations on the show. Another great show that I'm counting down until the new season (October 3rd for those of you who are interested).
So, basically I have a few shows that I really love, but overall I try to avoid TV. I find staring at a screen for long periods of time to be exceptionally boring, which is probably why I loathe watching movies like 90% of the time. Most of my favorite shows are no longer on TV (with the exception of Dexter and House), but that's where the beauty of DVD seasons come into play. I have full seasons, or most of the seasons, of some of my favorite shows of the past. If I want to relive the awesomeness of those past shows I can watch them at my leisure. This is more up my alley. I hate having to dedicate a day and time to sitting in front of the TV, but I will make that exception for the two shows listed above. Other than those couple shows and maybe an occasional other one here and there, TV is my last resort for amusement. I'd rather use my time doing something more constructive, and let's face it, constructive is one word that you just can't use to describe watching TV...at least I can't.
The show that started this whole trend was Dexter. I've written about my obsession with this show in a previous blog post, so go back and see how hooked I got. Long story short though, this is offically my favorite show and this is one that missing an episode will make me go into insane mode. The good news is that even though I don't have Showtime, there is this website that someone told me about where you can watch new shows within an hour of them airing. If you want to check it out, it's Channel 131. So, when the new season starts on October 2nd, you better believe I will be watching it that night, even though I don't have Showtime.
Anyways, I'm rambling on, where I was going with this is that after this obsession with Dexter, my boyfriend and I decided to start to search for new shows to get hooked on. Some were okay, some sucked. Then a co-worker of mine mentioned that since I love Michael C. Hall, the actor that portrays the character of Dexter, that I should check him out in an old HBO show he used to be on called Six Feet Under. This show is more of a drama meets a dark comedy. Michael C. Hall's character is NOTHING like his character on Dexter, which is why I had to check it out. When an actor can pull of numerous different roles of such a variety, it makes me look up to them more. It allows me to see how talented some actors are over others. Take my word on it, Michael C. Hall is one of these awesome actors. Exceptionally talented!
Anyways, I'm rambling again. As I was saying though, my boyfriend downloads this show and again I'm hooked. This is an awesome show (keep in mind it's twisted and revolves around death, which is right up my alley). It was only on for 5 seasons and then the show ended, but I find it interesting and screwed up all in one. The problem is that we're still currently watching this show and we're down to the last 3 episodes of the final season and I'm beyond hooked, yet I know that after these next 3 episodes there will be no more. Unlike Dexter, I can't just countdown the days until the new season starts, since it's no longer on. Although this is a bummer, I can get over it....I swear I can. I may not get over the day that Dexter is no longer on, but we'll worry about that when that day comes.
Another show that I'm pretty damn hooked on is House. Not only is this show funny, but it's a very intelligent show that never seems to get redundant. The main character is amazing! Hugh Laurie portrays the character of House better than I think anyone else would have ever been able to. The show also has a great cast of characters that work well together. These characters are so different from one another, but play so well as contrasting characters on the show. It makes it more interesting when they interact in both professional and personal situations on the show. Another great show that I'm counting down until the new season (October 3rd for those of you who are interested).
So, basically I have a few shows that I really love, but overall I try to avoid TV. I find staring at a screen for long periods of time to be exceptionally boring, which is probably why I loathe watching movies like 90% of the time. Most of my favorite shows are no longer on TV (with the exception of Dexter and House), but that's where the beauty of DVD seasons come into play. I have full seasons, or most of the seasons, of some of my favorite shows of the past. If I want to relive the awesomeness of those past shows I can watch them at my leisure. This is more up my alley. I hate having to dedicate a day and time to sitting in front of the TV, but I will make that exception for the two shows listed above. Other than those couple shows and maybe an occasional other one here and there, TV is my last resort for amusement. I'd rather use my time doing something more constructive, and let's face it, constructive is one word that you just can't use to describe watching TV...at least I can't.
Monday, August 22, 2011
My mind is on the fritz!
I seem to have so much on my mind lately that it's ridiculous. I honestly think I'm stressing myself out to the point of being depressed. It's like I have things left and right from work and my personal life that have me worrying or that are just stressing me out and instead of dealing with them and making my brain stress out more and more, I've been dealing with these things by sleeping and pushing off the things I enjoy. I know, to an extent that doesn't make any sense, but it seems to be the way things are working out for me.
In the aspect of work, as if you all didn't know already, I hate my job...with a passion. I'm completely unhappy, unappreciated, treated poorly, overworked, and under paid. So, since I got back from vacation I have been job hunting, sending out my resumes, filling out applications, etc. Here I am over a month later and still haven't gotten even one call back from any of the places I've applied to. If my work isn't bringing me down enough, the fact that no one is interested in even interviewing me has me even more down. I'm a strong worker with a college degree, but I'm starting to feel like that's not enough anymore.
When it comes to my personal life, it's a bunch of misc things. My car this month has really run me thin on money. My pocket has been hit harder than I would have liked. With my car so far I've had to replace a rotted out muffler, I've had to get new brakes, I've had to buy my plate sticker (here in Chicago those stickers are $100), I'm due for my oil change, I have a tire that needs to either be replaced or patched up, and one of my rotors needs to be replaced. Thank you car for trying to put me in the poor house.
Also in the direction of money, this is the first month that my boyfriend and I have decided to start putting money into a savings account so that we can attempt to start looking into moving out by January. Well, because of my car issues, I'm not going to be able to put as much aside this month as we agreed on that that's really making me feel like shit. Our first month of starting this progress that's supposed to further our lives together and I feel like I'm failing him. I know he understands, but I can't help but feel low and like I'm not doing my part. This is something I want more than almost anything else, but I can't even give it my all right off the bat. I've seriously cried over this. I don't like feeling like I'm not meeting in the middle with this, even though my car is the only reason I can't do so. I know next month will be better, but I can't help but feel low because of failing immediately at the start of this.
Then there's my weight loss progress. Ever since vacation, I've slacked. There's no other way to say it. I've recently gotten back to eating fairly healthy (not completely, but better than I was doing) and I'm slowly getting back into jogging again. The problem is that I jog only once a week and stop because all I want to do is sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all for months and with all this stuff on my mind, sleeping makes me feel like I'm temporarily avoiding the stresses of my life. So, there I go slacking on working out, which is hindering my weight loss progress. Granted one day a week is better than none, but let's be realistic, one day a week isn't going to get me results. So, technically, that one day a week is barely better than nothing. So, my weight loss progress has me stressing out because the last thing I want is to put back on any weight that I've lost. I'm tired of being fat!
I've also been thinking a lot about friendships I currently have. I feel like some need to be worked on and others just aren't worth keeping. It's like my depressed mood has me not giving a rats ass about where I stand with people who I care about. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like thinking that things that matter to me don't matter at all. This is not a mind set that I'm happy being in, but currently it's like I just don't care, even though deep down I do. It's like I want to be in a bubble to avoid everyone, but I know that's not healthy and truthfully I know it's not what I really want. So, my negative feelings towards some of the people around me has me feeling stressed out, worried, and confused.
I just seem to be in this funk that I can't seem to shake, which is why I'm truely starting to think that I'm depressed. The loss of interest, the increase in wanting to sleep, the lack of caring, etc. It's all normal signs of depression. I'm not saying that I need to go on medications and see a shrink or anything, because I don't feel I'm anywhere near the point of severe depression. I just think I'm in a small state of depression that I honestly think can be worked on with some changes to my life. A new job being probably the biggest one of them all since unfortunately we spend far too much of our lives at work. I think with a change in work, a better money month, and an extra kick in the ass to myself to get back into a healthy workout and diet routine I believe I can shake this. I know none of these things are going to happen overnight, so I'm not expecting to feel amazing and back to normal tomorrow. I just hope that more sooner than later things will start looking up so that I can go back to being myself and being overall happier again. Being in moods like this makes me hate myself and the last thing I want to do is hate myself. Not to mention, I don't like being in moods like this because I know what it's like to be around someone in a down mood. That negative mood can bring the whole group around you down and I definitely don't want to be the one that starts that chain reaction.
I'm doing my best to put on the happy face and be as normal as possible, but deep down I know I have work to do on myself and I know what it's going to take. It's just a matter of getting there.
In the aspect of work, as if you all didn't know already, I hate my job...with a passion. I'm completely unhappy, unappreciated, treated poorly, overworked, and under paid. So, since I got back from vacation I have been job hunting, sending out my resumes, filling out applications, etc. Here I am over a month later and still haven't gotten even one call back from any of the places I've applied to. If my work isn't bringing me down enough, the fact that no one is interested in even interviewing me has me even more down. I'm a strong worker with a college degree, but I'm starting to feel like that's not enough anymore.
When it comes to my personal life, it's a bunch of misc things. My car this month has really run me thin on money. My pocket has been hit harder than I would have liked. With my car so far I've had to replace a rotted out muffler, I've had to get new brakes, I've had to buy my plate sticker (here in Chicago those stickers are $100), I'm due for my oil change, I have a tire that needs to either be replaced or patched up, and one of my rotors needs to be replaced. Thank you car for trying to put me in the poor house.
Also in the direction of money, this is the first month that my boyfriend and I have decided to start putting money into a savings account so that we can attempt to start looking into moving out by January. Well, because of my car issues, I'm not going to be able to put as much aside this month as we agreed on that that's really making me feel like shit. Our first month of starting this progress that's supposed to further our lives together and I feel like I'm failing him. I know he understands, but I can't help but feel low and like I'm not doing my part. This is something I want more than almost anything else, but I can't even give it my all right off the bat. I've seriously cried over this. I don't like feeling like I'm not meeting in the middle with this, even though my car is the only reason I can't do so. I know next month will be better, but I can't help but feel low because of failing immediately at the start of this.
Then there's my weight loss progress. Ever since vacation, I've slacked. There's no other way to say it. I've recently gotten back to eating fairly healthy (not completely, but better than I was doing) and I'm slowly getting back into jogging again. The problem is that I jog only once a week and stop because all I want to do is sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all for months and with all this stuff on my mind, sleeping makes me feel like I'm temporarily avoiding the stresses of my life. So, there I go slacking on working out, which is hindering my weight loss progress. Granted one day a week is better than none, but let's be realistic, one day a week isn't going to get me results. So, technically, that one day a week is barely better than nothing. So, my weight loss progress has me stressing out because the last thing I want is to put back on any weight that I've lost. I'm tired of being fat!
I've also been thinking a lot about friendships I currently have. I feel like some need to be worked on and others just aren't worth keeping. It's like my depressed mood has me not giving a rats ass about where I stand with people who I care about. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like thinking that things that matter to me don't matter at all. This is not a mind set that I'm happy being in, but currently it's like I just don't care, even though deep down I do. It's like I want to be in a bubble to avoid everyone, but I know that's not healthy and truthfully I know it's not what I really want. So, my negative feelings towards some of the people around me has me feeling stressed out, worried, and confused.
I just seem to be in this funk that I can't seem to shake, which is why I'm truely starting to think that I'm depressed. The loss of interest, the increase in wanting to sleep, the lack of caring, etc. It's all normal signs of depression. I'm not saying that I need to go on medications and see a shrink or anything, because I don't feel I'm anywhere near the point of severe depression. I just think I'm in a small state of depression that I honestly think can be worked on with some changes to my life. A new job being probably the biggest one of them all since unfortunately we spend far too much of our lives at work. I think with a change in work, a better money month, and an extra kick in the ass to myself to get back into a healthy workout and diet routine I believe I can shake this. I know none of these things are going to happen overnight, so I'm not expecting to feel amazing and back to normal tomorrow. I just hope that more sooner than later things will start looking up so that I can go back to being myself and being overall happier again. Being in moods like this makes me hate myself and the last thing I want to do is hate myself. Not to mention, I don't like being in moods like this because I know what it's like to be around someone in a down mood. That negative mood can bring the whole group around you down and I definitely don't want to be the one that starts that chain reaction.
I'm doing my best to put on the happy face and be as normal as possible, but deep down I know I have work to do on myself and I know what it's going to take. It's just a matter of getting there.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Makeup...my new addiction.
No, I haven't already given up the whole photography thing. I'm still bringing my camera with me to places I think will offer great photographic moments and I'm even going to start to having some photography outings with my photographer friend, Kriss. We mentioned that going out and just choosing a location to just take random pictures would be fun, so we'll start doing that at some point after she gets back from vacation. So, no, I haven't given up my new hobby of photography. I just haven't found myself developing the eye yet to just go out on my own and find random things to snap pictures of.
I have gotten recently into trying to learn new makeup techniques though. It all started with the fact that I felt bad that the maid of honor for the wedding I'm standing up in next month is going to be doing the bride & most of the bridesmaids makeup. I felt that this was a lot for her to take on when she's already supposed to be catering to the needs of the bride on her special day. With that in mind, I decided that I need to try to see if I'm capable of doing elegant meets dramatic makeup myself so that I will be one less person for the maid of honor to worry about on such an already hectic day.
I started by going to YouTube and searching eyeshadow techniques. I used key words like "dramatic", "smokey", "elegant" and I ended up finding a lot of AWESOME eye makeup tutorials for just such makeup. So, the past couple weeks I've been on this kick with checking out one tutorial after another and practicing these techniques on myself. I must say, that I've been doing an awesome job! I not only found the exact way I'm going to do my own makeup for my friend's wedding, but I also found other fun colorful ways of doing my eye makeup for just an everyday basis or for going out.
I'm really having a blast with this! It's gotten to the point where I'm considering eventually going to cosmetology school and doing professional makeup as a side job. Hell, maybe I won't even need to go to school for it if I practice enough and read up on some makeup technique books to where I can do it as second nature. Granted I couldn't work in a salon without going to school for it, but if I did it as my own boss as a side job via the internet or word of mouth, it could be some extra cash in my pocket doing something I find fun.
Either way though, for now it's just something I'm having fun with and I'm finding myself literally sitting at home in the evenings when I have no other plans and I just keep doing my makeup, taking it off, doing another style, taking it off, and so forth. I've taken some pictures of the final results, but unfortunately my phone camera sucks and most of it isn't clearly seen and when I've tried taking the pictures with my own camera, I can't find the right focus and distance when I'm not looking through the lens. So, all my pictures of the bad ass looking makeup jobs are fail, but I promise the makeup has looked amazing.
I have gotten recently into trying to learn new makeup techniques though. It all started with the fact that I felt bad that the maid of honor for the wedding I'm standing up in next month is going to be doing the bride & most of the bridesmaids makeup. I felt that this was a lot for her to take on when she's already supposed to be catering to the needs of the bride on her special day. With that in mind, I decided that I need to try to see if I'm capable of doing elegant meets dramatic makeup myself so that I will be one less person for the maid of honor to worry about on such an already hectic day.
I started by going to YouTube and searching eyeshadow techniques. I used key words like "dramatic", "smokey", "elegant" and I ended up finding a lot of AWESOME eye makeup tutorials for just such makeup. So, the past couple weeks I've been on this kick with checking out one tutorial after another and practicing these techniques on myself. I must say, that I've been doing an awesome job! I not only found the exact way I'm going to do my own makeup for my friend's wedding, but I also found other fun colorful ways of doing my eye makeup for just an everyday basis or for going out.
I'm really having a blast with this! It's gotten to the point where I'm considering eventually going to cosmetology school and doing professional makeup as a side job. Hell, maybe I won't even need to go to school for it if I practice enough and read up on some makeup technique books to where I can do it as second nature. Granted I couldn't work in a salon without going to school for it, but if I did it as my own boss as a side job via the internet or word of mouth, it could be some extra cash in my pocket doing something I find fun.
Either way though, for now it's just something I'm having fun with and I'm finding myself literally sitting at home in the evenings when I have no other plans and I just keep doing my makeup, taking it off, doing another style, taking it off, and so forth. I've taken some pictures of the final results, but unfortunately my phone camera sucks and most of it isn't clearly seen and when I've tried taking the pictures with my own camera, I can't find the right focus and distance when I'm not looking through the lens. So, all my pictures of the bad ass looking makeup jobs are fail, but I promise the makeup has looked amazing.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Clubbing = Pathetic form of amusement
Out of all the things out there to do to enjoy yourself, there are few that I can say that I either dislike or refuse to do. I'm a pretty open person with having fun and trying new things. I'm usually not one to turn down forms of fun; however, there is one form of "fun" and/or "amusement" that I can't stand and can honestly say I hate with a passion....clubbing. I can't stand going to clubs! Here is my list of reasons why clubs suck...
1. The music is far too loud! I'm not one for listening to loud music, even in my car. I don't even blast music that I love. I'm just not one for loudness. I don't even listen to the TV or a movie loud. So, having blaring music constantly with no breaks for silence is just not my thing in the least bit. Besides, I'm big on conversation and you can't talk with music that loud. You can only scream at each other like crazy people if you want to say anything.
2. Remixes and Euro music. Both of these are just so not my cup of tea. I can love a song, but the moment it gets remixed, I feel like the song has been destroyed. So, to remix a song and add this ungodly amount of bass to the point where even non-dance music becomes dance music, that's drawing the line for me. Then Euro music...don't get me started. I can rant and rave about that one for awhile, but I'm not going to because I'd rather not make this any longer than I need to. Long story short though...I hate Euro music and it all sounds the same to me.
3. The guys in clubs. Most of the guys in clubs are there looking for a girl to hook up with. I'm not on the prowl by any means. I'm in a long term relationship with a man that I love with all my heart, so to have to deal with horny, creepy guys approaching me all night asking to either dance or for my number makes me sick. I've never been one to want random guys hitting on me. Even when I was single, I didn't like being hit on in a pushy way. It's not my thing and I find it a huge turn off. What makes these guys even worse is that if you tell them your taken in hopes that they go away they push even more like they think everyone in a club is a slut and willingly to just meet up for a quick fuck. No thanks! I'd prefer the guys in the club to stay at least 50 yards away. Can I just get a pre-emptive restraining order prior to going to a club to keep these creepers away? That would be nice if I could.
4. The skanky girls. I hate going to a club and seeing these girls dressed in next to nothing to try to get these guys that I listed above that I avoid. Typically, unless your a slut, you don't pick up guys by dressing in a little of clothing as possible. That might just be my opinion, but it's my opinion nevertheless and it's how I truely feel. Introduce me to a girl that dresses in next to nothing and goes to a club that doesn't intend to pick up a guy for a night of sex and maybe I'll change my opinion on this, but I doubt anyone will be able to find a girl like this. I feel pretty confident of that.
5. The over priced drinks. I'm not one that goes to clubs by choice...EVER! If I'm there, it's because I got forced into it somehow, so I like to at least get a buzz from a few drinks to make the night less hair pulling. The problem with this is that the drink prices are ridiculous and the sizes of the drinks are pathetic. So, you're paying an arm and a leg for the itty bitty drink. Definitely not worth it.
6. Dancing. I don't dance. It's not that I don't like to, I mean it's great exercise, but I suck at it. So, to avoid looking like a dork by just swaying back in forth in a circle with the group of people I'm with, I just chill out on the side and drink one of those over priced drinks I listed above. What's even more annoying to me is when people try to get me to dance (strangers or friends), I say no, and they keep pushing. How about leaving me the hell alone and not push me to do something I'm not interested in? That would be ideal.
Now, you're all probably wondering what made me bring up this rant of why I hate clubbing. It's because one of my closest friends of 21 years is getting married next month and I'm standing up in the wedding. Well, since I'm standing up in the wedding, I'm basically before forced to go to the bachelorette party. This bachelorette party consists of a drag queen show (this I think will be a blast and I'm highly looking forward to it), dinner, and then finally a club *cringe*. I'm highly leaning towards doing the dinner and the drag queen show and then having my boyfriend pick me up and rescue me from the hell that is a night club. If he can't rescue me though, I'm screwed because we're all riding together the entire night in a rented Suburban that we're all chipping in for. The maid of honor's brother is our designated driver, so it's not a concern for anyone to have to drive after a night of drinking, but that also means that if I want to go home early, I can't...unless my boyfriend is sweetie and rescues me early.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed because right now I'm cringing at the thought of having to go to a club in a few weeks. I'm literally thinking of every excuse in the book to not go, but lying just isn't me. So, if my boyfriend agrees to be my hero on that night, I'm just going to be honest and run for the hills prior to going to the club. Yeah, some of you may think I'm a bad friend for avoiding attending the full bachelorette party, but I just hate clubs that much that no matter how much I love my friend, it's just not worth it. Trust me, if the tables were turned, I wouldn't be mad or hurt. In fact, I've had friends avoid parties/get togethers that I've had because it wasn't something that was their cup of tea, and I was fully okay with it. So, I'd like to think that she can be equally as understanding.
1. The music is far too loud! I'm not one for listening to loud music, even in my car. I don't even blast music that I love. I'm just not one for loudness. I don't even listen to the TV or a movie loud. So, having blaring music constantly with no breaks for silence is just not my thing in the least bit. Besides, I'm big on conversation and you can't talk with music that loud. You can only scream at each other like crazy people if you want to say anything.
2. Remixes and Euro music. Both of these are just so not my cup of tea. I can love a song, but the moment it gets remixed, I feel like the song has been destroyed. So, to remix a song and add this ungodly amount of bass to the point where even non-dance music becomes dance music, that's drawing the line for me. Then Euro music...don't get me started. I can rant and rave about that one for awhile, but I'm not going to because I'd rather not make this any longer than I need to. Long story short though...I hate Euro music and it all sounds the same to me.
3. The guys in clubs. Most of the guys in clubs are there looking for a girl to hook up with. I'm not on the prowl by any means. I'm in a long term relationship with a man that I love with all my heart, so to have to deal with horny, creepy guys approaching me all night asking to either dance or for my number makes me sick. I've never been one to want random guys hitting on me. Even when I was single, I didn't like being hit on in a pushy way. It's not my thing and I find it a huge turn off. What makes these guys even worse is that if you tell them your taken in hopes that they go away they push even more like they think everyone in a club is a slut and willingly to just meet up for a quick fuck. No thanks! I'd prefer the guys in the club to stay at least 50 yards away. Can I just get a pre-emptive restraining order prior to going to a club to keep these creepers away? That would be nice if I could.
4. The skanky girls. I hate going to a club and seeing these girls dressed in next to nothing to try to get these guys that I listed above that I avoid. Typically, unless your a slut, you don't pick up guys by dressing in a little of clothing as possible. That might just be my opinion, but it's my opinion nevertheless and it's how I truely feel. Introduce me to a girl that dresses in next to nothing and goes to a club that doesn't intend to pick up a guy for a night of sex and maybe I'll change my opinion on this, but I doubt anyone will be able to find a girl like this. I feel pretty confident of that.
5. The over priced drinks. I'm not one that goes to clubs by choice...EVER! If I'm there, it's because I got forced into it somehow, so I like to at least get a buzz from a few drinks to make the night less hair pulling. The problem with this is that the drink prices are ridiculous and the sizes of the drinks are pathetic. So, you're paying an arm and a leg for the itty bitty drink. Definitely not worth it.
6. Dancing. I don't dance. It's not that I don't like to, I mean it's great exercise, but I suck at it. So, to avoid looking like a dork by just swaying back in forth in a circle with the group of people I'm with, I just chill out on the side and drink one of those over priced drinks I listed above. What's even more annoying to me is when people try to get me to dance (strangers or friends), I say no, and they keep pushing. How about leaving me the hell alone and not push me to do something I'm not interested in? That would be ideal.
Now, you're all probably wondering what made me bring up this rant of why I hate clubbing. It's because one of my closest friends of 21 years is getting married next month and I'm standing up in the wedding. Well, since I'm standing up in the wedding, I'm basically before forced to go to the bachelorette party. This bachelorette party consists of a drag queen show (this I think will be a blast and I'm highly looking forward to it), dinner, and then finally a club *cringe*. I'm highly leaning towards doing the dinner and the drag queen show and then having my boyfriend pick me up and rescue me from the hell that is a night club. If he can't rescue me though, I'm screwed because we're all riding together the entire night in a rented Suburban that we're all chipping in for. The maid of honor's brother is our designated driver, so it's not a concern for anyone to have to drive after a night of drinking, but that also means that if I want to go home early, I can't...unless my boyfriend is sweetie and rescues me early.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed because right now I'm cringing at the thought of having to go to a club in a few weeks. I'm literally thinking of every excuse in the book to not go, but lying just isn't me. So, if my boyfriend agrees to be my hero on that night, I'm just going to be honest and run for the hills prior to going to the club. Yeah, some of you may think I'm a bad friend for avoiding attending the full bachelorette party, but I just hate clubs that much that no matter how much I love my friend, it's just not worth it. Trust me, if the tables were turned, I wouldn't be mad or hurt. In fact, I've had friends avoid parties/get togethers that I've had because it wasn't something that was their cup of tea, and I was fully okay with it. So, I'd like to think that she can be equally as understanding.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Goodbye rut!
My last blog post was about being stuck in an exercise rut, and although I didn't fix that problem immediately, today the problem has come to a halt. Today, I pushed myself to go for a run and stop the slacking. I've been feeling sluggish and I hated that I was putting my weightloss on hold for no good reason other than laziness. So, today I put a stop to that crappy feeling and pushed myself to workout.
I must say, that I'm shocked that today of all days was that one that successfully I pushed myself to workout. Let me give you a run down of my day so you all can see why that is.
~ I started the day by waking up earlier than I wanted to. My body forced me awake just before 8:00 this morning. Needless to say on a weekend that sucks. I couldn't fall back asleep though even though saying I was still sleepy was an understatement.
~ Then I took my car in to get my muffler put back on (it fell off months ago and I kept putting off forking over the money to have it reattached).
~ Immediately after getting my muffler fixed, I ran over to Target to buy some items off my buddy's bridal registry for her shower that's in a couple weeks.
~ After that I came home and immediately starting sorting though clothes and misc other things to get them together for a garage sale that my boyfriend and I are having in a few weeks. I did this for a couple hours and I'm still not done.
I decided to take a break from that for a bit and in that short time of relaxing (about an hour), I got really drowsy and decided to take a nap, well before I could even close my eyes, I put my foot down and told myself that I need to cut this procrastination and get my butt in gear. So, instead of curling into bed, I changed into workout clothes, got my running shoes on, and went outside for a run. I did a walk/run combo for 30 minutes. Granted its a short workout, but I feel amazing. To top that off, my day isn't even close to done. I still have to shower and get ready to go and get the alterations done on ours dresses with the bride and other bridesmaids of the wedding I'm standing up in next month and then we're all doing dinner together right afterwards to discuss last minute plans with the shower/bachelorette party/wedding.
This has been and is continuing to be a long Sunday, but I'm feeling really accomplished and I'm happy about that. The good news is, with this full day, I should hopefully sleep really good tonight. Maybe I'll actually feel refreshed on a Monday morning....or maybe I shouldn't push it. It's a nice thought though, right?
I must say, that I'm shocked that today of all days was that one that successfully I pushed myself to workout. Let me give you a run down of my day so you all can see why that is.
~ I started the day by waking up earlier than I wanted to. My body forced me awake just before 8:00 this morning. Needless to say on a weekend that sucks. I couldn't fall back asleep though even though saying I was still sleepy was an understatement.
~ Then I took my car in to get my muffler put back on (it fell off months ago and I kept putting off forking over the money to have it reattached).
~ Immediately after getting my muffler fixed, I ran over to Target to buy some items off my buddy's bridal registry for her shower that's in a couple weeks.
~ After that I came home and immediately starting sorting though clothes and misc other things to get them together for a garage sale that my boyfriend and I are having in a few weeks. I did this for a couple hours and I'm still not done.
I decided to take a break from that for a bit and in that short time of relaxing (about an hour), I got really drowsy and decided to take a nap, well before I could even close my eyes, I put my foot down and told myself that I need to cut this procrastination and get my butt in gear. So, instead of curling into bed, I changed into workout clothes, got my running shoes on, and went outside for a run. I did a walk/run combo for 30 minutes. Granted its a short workout, but I feel amazing. To top that off, my day isn't even close to done. I still have to shower and get ready to go and get the alterations done on ours dresses with the bride and other bridesmaids of the wedding I'm standing up in next month and then we're all doing dinner together right afterwards to discuss last minute plans with the shower/bachelorette party/wedding.
This has been and is continuing to be a long Sunday, but I'm feeling really accomplished and I'm happy about that. The good news is, with this full day, I should hopefully sleep really good tonight. Maybe I'll actually feel refreshed on a Monday morning....or maybe I shouldn't push it. It's a nice thought though, right?
Monday, August 1, 2011
I'm stuck in an exercise rut!
I have been doing awesome with my working out and eating healthy. I lost 48 pounds prior to vacation a few weeks ago and I felt great. Granted, I didn't reach my 50 pounds lost before vacay goal, but I came close enough to still feel amazing. On vacation I didn't workout or eat healthy. It's vacation! Get over it! I came back, got on the scale and gained 4 pounds. No biggie! I was okay with the weight gain because I had fun and I didn't feel like a stick in the mud that watched every calorie while I'm supposed to be relaxing and having fun.
Then I get back from vacation and tell myself, "Okay Davina. Vacation is over and it's back to working out and eating healthy again." Easy enough I thought. So, I go back to eating semi-healthy. Not as good as I was being, but I was better than I was on vacation. Then I realized that my eating habits were slacking a bit, so I forced myself and get back on track with my healthy eating and watching my carb intake again. The problem is that the whole working out thing hasn't happened since I've been back from vacation and I'm hating it.
When I workout I feel amazing and I feel like I'm getting healthier with each workout I do. I only do workouts that I enjoy (most recently running and yoga) and I keep myself going by knowing that it will get me to continue losing the weight that I so badly need to and want to lose. The problem is that everyday that I've woken up and told myself that today will be my first day back to working out, I find something else to do to avoid doing it. I don't get it. I know how great I feel afterwards, I do workouts I enjoy, yet since I got back from vacation, I've dreaded the thought of working out. It's like my brain and body are fighting over whether or not I should workout and even though my brain knows I need to, my body gets into lazy mode and refuses to.
I'm stuck in this rut and I don't know how to get out of it. I suppose forcing myself to just do it for day after day will eventually get me back on track, but taking that first step back into it is absolutely killing me. I almost feel like I need a workout buddy, but that's not realistic right now. My closest friends all have gym memberships and that's how they workout for the most part and I personally refuse to get another gym membership. I don't like paying to use machines that I don't need. I have weights at home, tons of workout DVDs, I have a treadmill at home, and I'm capable of running outside while the weather is still beautiful. I don't need to have another monthly bill to pay when I can do all my working out at home. Then there is my boyfriend. He wants to get in shape too, but everytime I bring up working out, he agrees to do it with me and then keeps putting it off when I ask him about starting. I love him dearly, but he's more of a procrastinator when it comes to working out than I could ever be. So, I'm pretty much on my own, meaning I'm just going to have to force myself to do it whether or not I like it. Then, as my body gets back in the groove of things, maybe it'll stop being so lazy about doing my normal workout routine.
Ugh...why does losing weight have to be so stressful? I wish I could take it off as quickly as I put it on.
Then I get back from vacation and tell myself, "Okay Davina. Vacation is over and it's back to working out and eating healthy again." Easy enough I thought. So, I go back to eating semi-healthy. Not as good as I was being, but I was better than I was on vacation. Then I realized that my eating habits were slacking a bit, so I forced myself and get back on track with my healthy eating and watching my carb intake again. The problem is that the whole working out thing hasn't happened since I've been back from vacation and I'm hating it.
When I workout I feel amazing and I feel like I'm getting healthier with each workout I do. I only do workouts that I enjoy (most recently running and yoga) and I keep myself going by knowing that it will get me to continue losing the weight that I so badly need to and want to lose. The problem is that everyday that I've woken up and told myself that today will be my first day back to working out, I find something else to do to avoid doing it. I don't get it. I know how great I feel afterwards, I do workouts I enjoy, yet since I got back from vacation, I've dreaded the thought of working out. It's like my brain and body are fighting over whether or not I should workout and even though my brain knows I need to, my body gets into lazy mode and refuses to.
I'm stuck in this rut and I don't know how to get out of it. I suppose forcing myself to just do it for day after day will eventually get me back on track, but taking that first step back into it is absolutely killing me. I almost feel like I need a workout buddy, but that's not realistic right now. My closest friends all have gym memberships and that's how they workout for the most part and I personally refuse to get another gym membership. I don't like paying to use machines that I don't need. I have weights at home, tons of workout DVDs, I have a treadmill at home, and I'm capable of running outside while the weather is still beautiful. I don't need to have another monthly bill to pay when I can do all my working out at home. Then there is my boyfriend. He wants to get in shape too, but everytime I bring up working out, he agrees to do it with me and then keeps putting it off when I ask him about starting. I love him dearly, but he's more of a procrastinator when it comes to working out than I could ever be. So, I'm pretty much on my own, meaning I'm just going to have to force myself to do it whether or not I like it. Then, as my body gets back in the groove of things, maybe it'll stop being so lazy about doing my normal workout routine.
Ugh...why does losing weight have to be so stressful? I wish I could take it off as quickly as I put it on.
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