I seem to have so much on my mind lately that it's ridiculous. I honestly think I'm stressing myself out to the point of being depressed. It's like I have things left and right from work and my personal life that have me worrying or that are just stressing me out and instead of dealing with them and making my brain stress out more and more, I've been dealing with these things by sleeping and pushing off the things I enjoy. I know, to an extent that doesn't make any sense, but it seems to be the way things are working out for me.
In the aspect of work, as if you all didn't know already, I hate my job...with a passion. I'm completely unhappy, unappreciated, treated poorly, overworked, and under paid. So, since I got back from vacation I have been job hunting, sending out my resumes, filling out applications, etc. Here I am over a month later and still haven't gotten even one call back from any of the places I've applied to. If my work isn't bringing me down enough, the fact that no one is interested in even interviewing me has me even more down. I'm a strong worker with a college degree, but I'm starting to feel like that's not enough anymore.
When it comes to my personal life, it's a bunch of misc things. My car this month has really run me thin on money. My pocket has been hit harder than I would have liked. With my car so far I've had to replace a rotted out muffler, I've had to get new brakes, I've had to buy my plate sticker (here in Chicago those stickers are $100), I'm due for my oil change, I have a tire that needs to either be replaced or patched up, and one of my rotors needs to be replaced. Thank you car for trying to put me in the poor house.
Also in the direction of money, this is the first month that my boyfriend and I have decided to start putting money into a savings account so that we can attempt to start looking into moving out by January. Well, because of my car issues, I'm not going to be able to put as much aside this month as we agreed on that that's really making me feel like shit. Our first month of starting this progress that's supposed to further our lives together and I feel like I'm failing him. I know he understands, but I can't help but feel low and like I'm not doing my part. This is something I want more than almost anything else, but I can't even give it my all right off the bat. I've seriously cried over this. I don't like feeling like I'm not meeting in the middle with this, even though my car is the only reason I can't do so. I know next month will be better, but I can't help but feel low because of failing immediately at the start of this.
Then there's my weight loss progress. Ever since vacation, I've slacked. There's no other way to say it. I've recently gotten back to eating fairly healthy (not completely, but better than I was doing) and I'm slowly getting back into jogging again. The problem is that I jog only once a week and stop because all I want to do is sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all for months and with all this stuff on my mind, sleeping makes me feel like I'm temporarily avoiding the stresses of my life. So, there I go slacking on working out, which is hindering my weight loss progress. Granted one day a week is better than none, but let's be realistic, one day a week isn't going to get me results. So, technically, that one day a week is barely better than nothing. So, my weight loss progress has me stressing out because the last thing I want is to put back on any weight that I've lost. I'm tired of being fat!
I've also been thinking a lot about friendships I currently have. I feel like some need to be worked on and others just aren't worth keeping. It's like my depressed mood has me not giving a rats ass about where I stand with people who I care about. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like thinking that things that matter to me don't matter at all. This is not a mind set that I'm happy being in, but currently it's like I just don't care, even though deep down I do. It's like I want to be in a bubble to avoid everyone, but I know that's not healthy and truthfully I know it's not what I really want. So, my negative feelings towards some of the people around me has me feeling stressed out, worried, and confused.
I just seem to be in this funk that I can't seem to shake, which is why I'm truely starting to think that I'm depressed. The loss of interest, the increase in wanting to sleep, the lack of caring, etc. It's all normal signs of depression. I'm not saying that I need to go on medications and see a shrink or anything, because I don't feel I'm anywhere near the point of severe depression. I just think I'm in a small state of depression that I honestly think can be worked on with some changes to my life. A new job being probably the biggest one of them all since unfortunately we spend far too much of our lives at work. I think with a change in work, a better money month, and an extra kick in the ass to myself to get back into a healthy workout and diet routine I believe I can shake this. I know none of these things are going to happen overnight, so I'm not expecting to feel amazing and back to normal tomorrow. I just hope that more sooner than later things will start looking up so that I can go back to being myself and being overall happier again. Being in moods like this makes me hate myself and the last thing I want to do is hate myself. Not to mention, I don't like being in moods like this because I know what it's like to be around someone in a down mood. That negative mood can bring the whole group around you down and I definitely don't want to be the one that starts that chain reaction.
I'm doing my best to put on the happy face and be as normal as possible, but deep down I know I have work to do on myself and I know what it's going to take. It's just a matter of getting there.
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