Lately I've been feeling really down. Not just sad, but completely not myself. I've overall been sad, angry, not interested in doing a lot of things, and just wanting to keep to myself. I'm seriously thinking I'm clinically depressed, which wouldn't surprise me in the least. Not that I want to be, but my life, all in all, hasn't been all that great lately and I think the stresses of it are starting to hang a little too heavy on my shoulders.
Now before anyone gets all concerned, this post isn't to get everyone worried about me and/or trying to counsel me. It's entirely me just noticing things that I wanted to share with someone and since it's easier for me type out my thoughts than hope someone can remain serious enough for me to talk them out, I thought this would be the perfect place. So, don't worry about me, just get to know the present me, even if I'm not a big fan of that me right now.
In my previous post I mentioned how I'm burned out at work, but the reality is that I think I'm not just burned at out work, but my overall life. We're going through hard times at home and the amount of worry that I do on a daily basis has got to be putting a toll on my mind and body. The stresses of my weightloss haven't been easy on my self esteem either. Then there are my friends and boyfriend. I love them all dearly, but lately it's like our interests are nowhere near on the same page. It's not their fault though, it's mine. My normal interests are almost non-existant. It's like I want to be a loner a lot more than I ever have. Then when I do want the company, it's like the people around me don't have the time or availability for me. This doesn't help my down mood much either. Then, last but not least, there are money stresses going on. Between trying to save some money for my upcoming vacation, trying to pay my bills, having to fork over money left and right for my friend Carmen's wedding that I'm standing up in, and my car having one problem after another, I feel like I will never be able to save up cash to move out like I've been trying to do for the longest. It's like I've been one huge worrier and ball of stress lately and it's definitely putting a toll on my mind and body to the extreme.
As of recently, I've been considering making an appointment with my doctor about my possible depression, but then at the same time, I really don't want to resort to having to take a medication in order to possibly regain happiness. I feel like getting back to the point of happiness may take some work, but I will get back there and it's completely doable without prescribed medications. Not to mention, the idea of having to have a medication that I have to pay for monthly isn't really something I'm interested in having to do. I'd rather just do my best to see the positives more than the negatives and hope that I can mentally regain my normal train of thoughts and not the ones I've been having lately. I want to be back to my normal self, which even if it takes a lot of time, I'm sure I can get back there.
The only thing I have to hope for, and probably my biggest fear, is that I don't push the people that mean the most away. I'm not exactly the most pleasant person to be around lately and I know that. I also haven't opened up to any of them because I feel like they'll think I'm over-reacting or being a hypochondriac. Currently they may just think I've been moody and view me negatively instead of it being my emotions taking me over. I can only hope that they'll be understanding or offer me the chance to open up to them before relationships get hurt. This is just another thing that is hanging on my shoulders and adding something else that I worry about onto my already long list.
Maybe I can find some good self help books to read. They may not fully fix my thoughts and emotions, but anything is better than nothing right now. Not to mention they are a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor co-pay and medications.
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